by Jill Belmont
When Beth Spizman told her mother that she was a lesbian, both women cried: the daughter, out of concern about how the news would affect her mother; the mother, out of sadness that her daughter had lived alone for so many years with her secret.
That was nine years ago. Last Sunday morning, Beth, 31, and her mother, Dorothy, sat on stage at Temple Israel as part of a panel discussion addressing gay and lesbian issues in the Jewish community, and spoke publicly for the first time about their feelings.
Mrs. Spizman spoke of her fears and concerns for her daughter. "My thoughts jumped from one thing to another. How will this affect Beth's life? How often will she be hurt by cruel remarks? And most of all, how many people won't see her for who she really is, but only for what they think she is?" The Spizmans were joined on the panel by fellow Omahan Susie Silverman, her son, Michael, and his partner, David Greenbaum of Lawrence, KS; Rabbi Stacy K. Offner of Shir Tikvah Congregation in Minneapolis, and her partner, Nancy Abramson; and Professor S. Daniel Breslauer of the University of Kansas. Sarpy County Juvenile Court Judge Lawrence D. Gendler served as moderator. Approximately 150 people attended the forum, sponsored by Temple's Committee for Social Justice.
Mrs. Spizman and Mrs. Silverman both described their reactions to their children's revelations, and noted that as parents, they had to adjust some of the dreams they had long held for their children.
Mrs. Spizman said she had to give up her dream of seeing Beth walk down the aisle on her wedding day, of having "the traditional husband, children and white picket fence." But, she added, some dreams have not changed at all. "What I've always wanted most for my children is that they live a worthwhile life and that each of them has the ability to be happy with whatever life brings them. And so far, those dreams have come true.
"I have often been overwhelmed with wonder at how I could've been blessed with this fantastic daughter," Mrs. Spizman added. "She's intelligent, caring, a wonderful human being, an awful lot of fun, and as an adult, truly my friend. What I want you to understand is, the fact that she happens to be gay does not change who she is as a person, a daughter I love with all my heart and a person respected by all who know her."
Mrs. Silverman recalled that two years ago, when Michael told his parents that he was gay, they were not entirely surprised. "We reacted in a way we now know is very normal for parents of gay children," said Mrs. Silverman, who has been speaking publicly about her family's experience for the past 18 months.
"We cried and we were sad. Our sadness came from the idea that life would not be easy for Michael -- he would not be accepted by many people just because of his sexual orientation -- and because he would never experience a 'normal' life with a wife and a child.
"When Michael came out to us, he dramatically changed. For the first time in his life, he was at peace. He became outgoing, talkative and quite easy-going. For a person who always had to know the exact minute of the day, he no longer wears a watch anymore," she said.
Michael, 25, remembered times during his teenage years when he would think, "My god, what if I am gay," and said that possibility "was so alien and terrible that I just buried it in my mind.
"Now, a few years later, I realize that things are better. I'm in love with a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, happy, confident, and I have a great future ahead." His message to gay teenagers who feel the way he did, is "to have hope, because that's the way God made them and that's the way God made me, and amen to that."
Professor Breslauer, who teaches Religious Studies at the University of Kansas, addressed the halachic view of homosexuality, and noted that at this time, "There is no finalized halachic, legalized Jewish decision.
"Halacha is quite complicated," he said. "There are about four statements in the Hebrew Bible dealing with males having sex with other males. What that means has been debated throughout the Talmud, and there are different opinions about what that really entails, what the restrictions really are, the ages at which such acts become culpable or not culpable, and what punishments are involved."
The disputes among modern halachic rabbis surrounding this issue include whether one is culpable under Jewish law by acting on homosexual desires, or, since some halachic scholars believe that having same-sex desires is rejection of divine will, merely having those desires amounts to a transgression, Breslauer said. Other debates revolve around the belief that transgression caused by compulsion or passion overcoming a person carries a less severe penalty or may be completely negated.
He concluded that, "We should keep in mind that the halacha itself has not yet reached a final decision on these matters, and that there is, over everything, a concern that when it comes to serving God's will, when there is a time when an act that apparently contradicts halacha is necessary for the sake of the divine purpose, then one can set aside the law in order to serve God."
Rabbi Offner's 275-family Shir Tikvah congregation was founded 10 years ago with a mission statement which reads, "We welcome individuals and families of varying Jewish lifestyles. We are particularly sensitive to the need for inclusion of both traditional and non-traditional family structures." The congregation is about 15 percent gay and lesbian, she said.
Whether performing either a traditional wedding ceremony or a commitment ceremony, Rabbi Offner said her approach is "to be human, to be Jewish, to be, I hope, rabbinic, and to respond to that human need which people need at that time.
"I think what people are craving is a way to celebrate their love, a way to celebrate commitment and obligation, taking on responsibility for this person who you love. These are the things that have impassioned Jewish hearts and souls for centuries, and they do so for straight people and for gay people. All people crave blessing in their lives," she said.
Nancy Abramson, a licensed psychotherapist who serves as executive director of Mental Health Resources in Minneapolis, said she has seen "both a lot of discomfort and a lot of tolerance and inclusion in my own experience in the greater greater Twin Cities area." Rabbi Offner's partner in life of 11 1/2 years, Abramson said she is considered Shir Tikvah's rebbetzin, and that the couple is included in the community, "as any couple would be."
Introducing himself as "a Jewish gay male," David Greenbaum, Michael Silverman's partner in life, noted that, "I put the 'Jewish' first, because being Jewish is the primary focus of my life. My life is governed by the Jewish principles taught to me by my grandparents, parents and the Jewish community." He added that, "I am here as someone who is active in his community and Jewish community, a professional, a college instructor, a former BBYO member, a Jewish camp counselor, who goes to synagogue, gives to UJA, and who also happens to be a gay male."
Greenbaum, 27, recalled that during his college years, he advocated the needs of the Jewish students, such as exam policies during the High Holidays and meal policies during Passover.
"I'm asking for the same support, acceptance and understanding from the Jewish community that I asked of the gentile community of my proud Jewish heritage and upbringing: to include me as a gay male in the Jewish community, and to help us feel loved and allowed to be part of the Jewish life cycle I grew up with."