Red Letter Day

A very generic corporate memo was sent out to folks recently, with information about the Ebola virus, because apparently people are worried about something that they have less likelyhood of catching then winning the lottery (meanwhile how many people don’t ever give something like the flu a second thought?)

Anyway with the Walking Dead premier on my mind, I decided that the memo could be improved with to make it a little more topical by referencing a truly scary virus….

From: Joe Smith and Jane Wilson <InternalCommunications@mygenericcorp.com>
Date: Wednesday, October 15, 2014 at 7:15 AM
To: Corporate Internal Communications <InternalCommunications@mygenericcorp.com>
Subject: Monitoring the Zombie virus: Health and travel recommendations for employees

To: Corporate employees and contractors
From: Joe Smith, Health & Safety, and Jane Wilson, Worldwide Security
Monitoring the Zombie virus: Health and travel recommendations for employees

Your health and security are our top priority. The Corporate Health, & Safety (CHS) and Worldwide Security teams continue to monitor the current situation with the Zombie virus.

Although there is no immediate impact to our employees or our facilities, we are asking employees and contractors worldwide to take precautions to keep you, your colleagues, and your families safe, as well as stockpiling ammunition, canned food and water for the inevitable assault by waves of shambling, moaning living dead.

As with any virus, please follow standard hygiene and health precautions:

Hand hygiene: Wash your hands frequently with soap and running water or use an alcohol-based hand cleanser before, during, and after you prepare food, before you eat, after you use the toilet, after handling animals or animal waste, when your hands are dirty, when providing care when someone in your home is sick, and after dispatching the rotting body of a former colleague with an icepick through her skull.

Respiratory hygiene: Cover your mouth and nose with a medical mask, tissue, or a sleeve or flexed elbow when coughing or sneezing. Throw the used tissue into a closed bin immediately after use. Perform hand hygiene after contact with respiratory secretions. If bitten, ask you manager to immediately sever the offending limb with an axe.

Personal health: If you develop a sudden onset of fever, fatigue, muscle pain, headache, sore throat, and the inexplicable urge for the sweet, tangy taste of fresh human flesh, please contact your health care provider immediately and notify your supervisor. Anyone with these symptoms should not come to work until cleared by their healthcare provider or after having their brainstem severed by a chainsaw or other cranial termination device.

Corporate Global Security is actively monitoring all business travel booked through the Corporate travel site. However, if you are planning any travel to or from a high-risk country, please notify your manager and next of kin in advance and refer to this important travel advice:

Defer non-essential travel to Guinea, Liberia, Sierra Leone, the Atlanta area, Raccoon City or other high-risk areas as defined by the Center for Disease Control (CDC). Please refer to the CDC website for updates, warning levels, and notices for specific countries http://wwwnc.cdc.gov/travel/notices.

Travelers flying from countries affected by the Zombie virus should inquire with the relevant embassies or health ministries about any requirements for entry at their destination, (for example, sweet katana skills) and prepare accordingly.

Check with the US Department of Homeland Security website for information about enhanced screening measures for travelers coming into the US who show signs of the Zombie infection.

Do not travel if you are sick. People with an insatiable desire for flesh or other Zombie-like symptoms may be taken to designated centers or have entry/exit denied, as well as be shot in the head.

If you require medical or emergency assistance while traveling, please contact International Assistance (IA) at 800-555-1212. Remember to always double-tap.

If you really need to end a conversation in a hurry, wait until the other party has made what they consider to be a witty or important point, and then say one of the following:

(in random order…I don’t know which one is the funniest. I don’t know if any of them are funny!)

10. “That’s fascinating, but I don’t think the Bishop would have seen things that way.”

9. “What did you do with the marmot when you were finished?”

8. “It’s amazing how the artist deconstructed the entire paradigm ontologically through the medium of inverse interpretive dance”

7. “I don’t care what your favorite data pattern is, I still like the smell of fresh-baked chocolate-chip cookies!”

6. “Colorless green ideas actually don’t sleep furiously. I know for a fact they have insomnia.”

5. “How can you say something like that in presence of Her Majesty the Queen?!”

4. “God is actually shaped like a slightly lopsided rhombus.”

3. “I am working on a theory as to how the pigs procreate, being that they are green circles lacking in both legs and external reproductive organs”

2. “The gleam in your eye definitely strikes me as that of a time traveller. Your secret’s safe with me, but tell me, how do you like things here in the 18th century?”

1. “Sixteen badgers along with four raccoons, eh? And only three pounds of kidney beans, you say? Wow, you are amazing!”

Thanks! I’ll be here all week, don’t forget to tip your hostess.